


Missing

by Amy_Snow



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, M/M, au supernatural
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-12
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2017-12-11 15:04:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/800052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amy_Snow/pseuds/Amy_Snow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Cas hit it off right away, but certain things caused Dean to have to leave. Now he has to remind himself why he made the right decision, no matter how wrong it feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dean splashed his face again. He stood for a minute in the small bathroom of the motel. It had been days since he was able to get his needed four hours. Not that the reality was much better than his dreams, but at least if he was awake he could drink. If he could drink, he could forget. He wouldn’t have to remember letting Cas go. Each time he saw it, whether it was in his dreams or just as a memory, he felt more guilt. He had let someone else down. “Nothing new there,” he said to himself, taking a swig from the bottle in his hand.

He was now leaning on the side of the Impala, having left a note for Sam saying he was going to get breakfast. He closed his eyes and saw those deep blue ones shining with tears. Dean shook his head to clear it and slid into the driver’s seat.

_“Here you go angel cakes,” Ellen said with smile, handing a shirley temple to the man sitting awkwardly a couple seats away from Dean. The man was wearing a wrinkled trench and a black suit, his almost black hair was disheveled and he replied to Ellen with a smile that …. did things to Dean._

_“Rough night?” Dean asked somewhat mockingly, gesturing to the drink in front of the other man._

_“Yes,” he answered with a deep, gravely voice. He gave a quick glance at Dean then took a sip from his drink._

_Dean moved to the stool next to the other man and held out his hand. “Dean Winchester.”_

_“Castiel Novak.”_

_Dean drew back his hand awkwardly and scratched the back of his neck. “You’re not much of a people person, are you?”_

_Castiel just shook his head and sighed with his whole body._

_“Hey Ellen,” Dean called, waving the brown haired, middle aged owner of the bar over. “Let’s get Cas a stronger drink over here, hmm?” He gave her a winning smile and turned it to Cas - as he had decided to call him. “You wanna tell me what’s on your mind?” Dean asked, putting a hand on the other man’s back._

_Ellen came over to them and rolled her eyes. “What’s your poison tonight boys?”_

_“Whiskey. Leave the bottle.”_

_She signed and made a comment about Dean’s drinking. He knew she worried, along with her husband Bobby. They had practically adopted Dean, even though he thought he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Aside from the occasional blackout, Dean’s drinking hadn’t caused him much problems. He was still able to work shifts at the bar and the auto shop, making enough to help keep Sam at Stanford and stay on his feet._

_“Thank you, but that is not necessary.”_

_Dean raised an eyebrow at Cas’s incredibly proper language. “Maybe you could tell me why....?”_

_“Family problems.” Cas was very short with Dean. He wasn’t really in the mood to share his problems. Cas turned to face Dean with a confused expression and then looked down at the shot glass in front of him._

_“I’ll drink to that,” Dean said, raising his fourth shot, downing it and pouring another. “Afraid of a little whiskey?”_

_Cas raised his glass and gulped it down, grimacing. He poured and drank to catch up to Dean. They continued like this, drinking and talking. Dean told Cas about Sam and Stanford and how he had dropped out of college the year before._

_It was a good night by Dean’s standards. He couldn’t help but notice how the other man’s eyes lit up like stars when he laughed at something ridiculous Dean had done. There was so much life in Cas._

_“It’s closing time, boys and I don’t want Winchester cleaning out my inventory,” Ellen interrupted with a glare from Dean._

_“I have had fun tonight, Dean, thank you,” he slurred, wobbling a bit as he stood up._

_“Woah, man, you really can’t hold your liquor,” Dean said, laughing a little and steadying Cas. “Come on, my room’s right upstairs.”_

_Dean led Cas upstairs to his room above the bar. He gestured for Cas to sit on the bed and since there was limited seating, Dean plopped himself down next to him._

The Tim Horton’s down the street was about the only thing open this early in the morning. He went in and ordered large black coffees for himself and Sam with a muffin for Sam. Dean sat at a table sipping coffee for a few minutes before getting back in the Impala and heading back to the motel.

“Did you get any sleep last night?” Sam asked his brother as he walked in the room.

Dean just handed Sam his muffin and coffee and sat down at the table and took a sip of his coffee. Sam put a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “You need to sleep, man... and eat.”

“Damn it, Sammy! No. I’m fine. What I _need_ to do is keep you safe. What I _need_ to do is -” Dean stopped himself. He was about to say he needed to find Cas, but he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t find Cas and he couldn’t let Sam know how much he wanted to just make sure Cas was okay.

“Dean -”

“Sam, just don’t.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late. Updates will be more regular in June once I get out of school. As always, feedback is appreciated.

Cas boulted up and slumped against the headboard as he looked to the empty other side of the bed. In his dreams, Dean was there, telling him everything was alright. Although they usually ended the same way: with Dean leaving. Sometimes, if Cas was lucky, he would come back with some great explanation as to why he was gone for so long and they would fall right back into each other's arms, where they belonged.

“Fuck,” Cas said under his breath as he heard the shower go on and the sweet humming start from the bathroom. Did he really do that? Did he really fuck Meg last night? Ugh, he did. Cas groaned and got out of bed. “Pull yourself together,” he said to himself. Getting over Dean had been hell. He tried to convince himself that he was already, but everything else told him he wasn’t. He only called Meg when he needed a distraction, when he needed someone to take care of him. They never really had a real relationship. She was always a booty call.

He headed to the kitchen and stuck some bread in the toaster. There were footsteps coming from the living room. “Hey Meg, last night was fun, but...”

“Not Meg, baby bro,” Gabriel said from behind him, taking a piece of toast that had just popped up.

“I thought you guys were all on vacation,” Cas groaned.

“The rest are. I didn’t want to hear Anna and Michael’s fighting, so I decided to stay away from this one the trip was more to help them "bond" anyways."

Castiel sighed. “Of course. Well, I would appreciate it if you didn’t make a big deal of this.... Please. It really isn’t.”

“Hey, angel, what’s for breakfast?” Meg asked, coming down the stairs.

“There’s, uh, toast,” he said, gesturing to the toaster.

“Hello Meg,” Gabriel sighed. He never liked Meg. “What are you still doing here?” He asked. She was usually gone by breakfast.

“Your brother,” she chuckled darkly, leaning her chin on Castiel’s shoulder and putting her arms around his waist. Then she walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed some butter for her toast. “Also, the hot water’s out at my place, so I thought I’d take advantage of the shower while I was here.... among other things,” she added casually with a smirk.  

“You know what, whore,” Gabriel snapped, pointing a finger at Meg.

“Would you two stop?!” Castiel shouted with an unusual force, pulling Gabriel into the living room. “Look, Gabriel, I’m sorry about Meg,” he said in a hushed tone once they had gotten into the living room. “I couldn’t.... I didn’t want to... Yesterday was mine and Dean’s anniversary,” he continued, looking at his feet, not able to look his brother in the eye.

“Jeez, man, I’m sorry,” Gabriel said, putting a hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “You should get Meg out of here though. She’s certainly not going to help anything.”

“She’s a …. distraction.”

“She’s not good for you, Castiel.” Gabriel gave him a sympathetic look. “I’m going to make a call. Get Meg out of here.”

“Yeah, okay,” he muttered, walking into the dining room where Meg was sitting reading a magazine in his bathrobe. “Meg, maybe you should leave. I’m sorry about Gabriel. He’s just...”

“Hey, I get it,” Meg said, putting her hands in the air. “I’ll go get dressed, angel.” She kissed him on the cheek and he watched after her as she went up the stairs, her dark curls bouncing.

 

The phone buzzed in Dean’s pocket. He ignored it. He was at a job interview. He wasn’t exactly nervous, he was a mechanic so it wasn’t exactly the toughest job to secure. He needed it though. He wished he could go back to Bobby’s, but being back there was dangerous.

When he got out of the office, he was smiling because he got the job and would be able to work on cars again, do something he enjoyed. His smile faded when he saw who he had about ten missed calls from. He knew he shouldn’t, but before he knew what he was doing the phone on the other end was ringing.

“Hi Dean, thank God you called back, what took you so long?”

“What’s going on Gabriel? Why did you call?” Dean asked, trying to hide the panic he was feeling. It ended up coming out rather irritated.

“Look, I know I shouldn’t be calling you, but Castiel -”

“What happened? Is he hurt? Is everything okay?”

“No, no. He’s not - well, not physically hurt. You really need to come -”

“Gabe, you know I can’t come back.”

“Dad and Michael aren’t even home.”

“I can’t - I just - If they found out I was there, I don’t what they would do to Cas or Sam... After what they did to Anna... I just can’t come back, Gabe. Ever. I’m sorry.”

“Who would tell them? I certainly wouldn’t. I can’t stand seeing my brother like this. He called Meg last night, Dean.”

Hearing the name stung. She was always trying to steal Cas away from Dean, he would hate to think she had succeeded. Not that Cas was his to steal away anymore, but he still didn’t need more of a reminder of that. “And I hate being the one to cause it, but Cas can’t know. He needs  to forget about me.”

“He needs to know you still care,” Gabe pleaded.

“I need to stay away. I wish that I didn’t, but I do. I really am sorry.”

“You can’t -” Gabe started, but Dean had already hung up.

He was inside the Impala, banging his head on the steering wheel. Before he could at least hope that Cas was doing better than he was. Now that Gabe had called him. He sounded genuinely worried and this was the brother he stayed away from drama. He couldn’t keep ignoring what was happening, no matter how much the Novaks scared him. It had been months. What had prompted Gabe to call him now?

He realized what may have clued the other man off that he still cared. The matter in which he left certainly didn’t leave that impression, if it had the effect he wanted it too. Dean ripped into the parking lot of the motel and stormed through the door. “Sam!”

“What’s wrong, Dean?” Sam asked, looking up from his laptop.

“Did you call Gabriel?!”

“Gabriel? Novak? What? No. Why would you think that I did?” Sam really did seem confused. His eyebrows were brought close together, wrinkling his forehead.

“Never mind. Sorry Sam. I just thought -”

“Dean. What happened?”

“He called me. He wants me to come home.”

“Are we going then?” Sam asked, closing the laptop and walking toward his suitcase.

“You’re supposed to be the smart one, Sammy,” Dean commented, popping open a beer and sitting on the bed and causing his brother to slam his suitcase shut.

“Damn it, Dean!” Sam yelled, turning to Dean. “This has gotten ridiculous. Why can’t we just go back? I know you want to. I know you miss everyone back home. I know you still care about them.”

“It’s dangerous back home. I still talk to Bobby and Ellen and even Jo sometimes. I just don’t tell them everything. Besides I got the job down at the auto shop.”

“I wasn’t talking about the Singers, Dean.”

“You know who I’m talking about,” Sam growled. He hated what this was doing to Dean.

Dean sighed. “Yes, I do. Sam, I don’t care about him anymore. You need to leave it alone,” he said as strongly as he could. He could barely get the words out. It physically hurt him to disown Cas like that. He couldn’t let what he was feeling show to his brother, that would only strengthen Sam’s arguments.

“Dean, this isn’t going to work forever. You’re not eating. You’re barely sleeping. Even Jo’s worried about you.”

“I said leave it alone, Sammy!” He shouted gruffly. “I left. We need to stay gone. Leave Cas out of it.”

“Right, but you don’t care about him,” Sam responded, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“I don’t,” Dean responded, turning the tv on and glaring at Monica and Rachel like they had personally wronged him.

 

  
“Well, Anna’s trying to get Father to extend the vacation,” Gabriel told Castiel looking up from his phone.

“Why?” Castiel looked at his brother, tilting his head to the side with an utterly confused look on his face.

“To give you a break. They haven’t exactly been easy on you, Cas.”

“Don’t … call me that,” Castiel warned, storming out of the room. He didn’t mean to be so harsh with Gabriel, but hearing the old nickname hurt more than he cared to admit.  He sat down in one of the dining room chairs and checked his phone through force of habit, knowing he wouldn’t see what he wanted to. All he saw was a text from Anna saying what Gabriel had already told him, that she was trying to keep the rest of the family away as long as possible. He flipped the phone open to reply.

**There’s no need. I can take Father and Michael.**

**But thank you** , he decided to add a minute later.

His phone started ringing shortly after he sent the message. “Hello Anna,” he answered, his voice worn.

“Now we both know that’s not true,” she retorted.

“How would you know that?”

“Because I know you, Castiel and I know them. I know what they can be like. You know I do. ”

“This is different. This has nothing to do with them. Dean, he -” he paused, not wanting to continue this conversation, but knowing Anna wouldn’t drop it. “He just left, Anna. I can’t blame them for that. It was -”

He could heard his sister almost scream in frustration on the other end. “Do you honestly believe that Castiel?! Do you really think he would do that to you without any reason at all?!”

“I’m sure he had his reasons.”

“I can name two,” she growled.

“Anna, stop. I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“They can’t throw anything at me I can’t handle. Besides all I’m trying to do is get them to stay at the lake house a little longer, nothing too risky. Castiel, I promise.”

“Anna -”

“Look, I gotta go. They just pulled in the driveway. I’ll keep you and Gabriel updated.”

Castiel sighed and wiped his face with his hand. “Be careful Anna.”

He curled his hand around his phone and rested his head on the fist. He knew how heated arguments could get between Anna and his father. If Michael was there stepping in to defend their father as he always did, then it would be a thousand times worse.

“So, how’s our sister?” Gabriel asked, appearing in the doorway and leaning against it casually.

“She’s... insistent,” Castiel answered, raising his head and putting the phone down.

“Good. Maybe she’ll get through to you.”

“What exactly is she supposed to get through to me?” He asked, genuinely curious.

“Cas...tiel, do you really believe Dean would just leave like he did?” Gabriel asked, concern plain on his face. Castiel could tell there was something he was missing. He just didn’t want to think that it was what his siblings were implying. He knew what Michael was capable of and that Anna would face his wrath if she defied him or if she knew what he had done. He didn’t want her to suffer that again.

“Well, he did,” Castiel said, pushing past his brother and starting to go up to his room. He stopped halfway up the stairs and turned to face the living room where Gabriel was sitting in an armchair lazily. “You and Anna do not have to keep doing this. I know I may never be able to, but I need to forget I ever met Dean Winchester.” He ascended the rest of the stairs slumped, not wanting to look at the face of pity he was sure his brother was giving him. He heard the last words come out of his mouth, not fully realizing he was saying them. It was something he knew was best. The part of his brain that really didn’t care what was best for him, the part that was always filled with Dean, wondered if there was some truth to what Anna was accusing his father and Michael of doing.

He shook it off and fell onto his bed and closed his eyes.

_Cas woke up with his head on Dean’s chest, aching terribly. He looked around to gather his surroundings. The room was small. There was a nightstand next to the bed with a phone, a pen and a bottle of whiskey, half empty. So that’s what happened last night, he remarked to himself to account for his headache and memory loss and the sudden uneasiness he was feeling in his stomach._

_He got up and luckily he found the toilet quickly, vomiting violently then getting up, flushing and splashing his face with water, rinsing his mouth out as well. He looked up in the dirty mirror and saw Dean in the doorway. “Morning angel,” he said with a sarcastic smile._

_“Good morning Dean,” Cas replied, turning around. The other man’s eyes were an electric green. They lit up when he smiled, Cas remembered that from the night before. Cas couldn’t help but smile back as he stepped out of the bathroom, slightly embarrassed. “Did I wake you up? I’m sorry.”_

_“Don’t worry about it, Cas,” Dean said, waving his hand dismissively and pulling a piece of gum out of his pocket and tossing it to him.  Cas still found it comforting to be with someone so calm after the storm of his family the night before. “I suppose you’ll want to get going soon,” Dean said awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck._

_“I probably should return home,” he responded truthfully. “I mean make sure that they don’t completely destroy my sister.” He cringed as he said it. The statement was said as an exaggeration, but he realized what he was saying might have already happened._

_“Good luck,” Dean said with sincerity. Cas had his hand on the doorknob when Dean grabbed his arm. “Hey, come here a sec. You didn’t think I was just going to let you disappear, did you?” Dean winked and walked over to the nightstand to get the pen on it._

_“I thought -”_

_“Call or text if you need anything,” he said, grabbing Cas’s hand and writing his name and number on it. “I mean it,” he said, keeping hold of the other man’s hand and locking eyes with him. “Or you know, if you want to go out for coffee or something. The ball’s in your court, dude.”_

_“Dean, we only just met and last night -” Cas stopped himself, looking down at their hands and pulling his away. He wasn’t sure how much he had revealed to the stranger, but from his reaction that it was enough. “I didn’t mean to - I mean we were both... not in our right minds and I wouldn’t have burdened you with my problems.”_

_“It’s fine. It’s not a burden. Cas, I’m sure I said my share too. Now go help your sister,” Dean replied, putting his hand on the other man’s shoulder._

_“Thank you, Dean.”_

_“Any time, man,” Dean said as Cas left, leaving Dean watching after him._

_Cas didn’t want to leave the other man and that smile that lit up his beautiful green eyes, but as far as he knew his father and brother were still home alone with Anna. Gabriel was able to stand the fighting for less time than he could. He felt awful for leaving his sister alone with them. She was older than he was, but he still felt protective over her. She could never keep her mouth shut. That was always Anna’s problem. Cas didn’t exactly fit the model of the “perfect son” (as was evident by the night before), but he knew how to cover his tracks. He looked at his hand and programmed the number into his phone before scrubbing it off in the bathroom of a nearby gas station._

_Anna wasn’t so careful. She was stupid, but she was still his sister. Still someone he wanted to protect. Even if he did need to protect her from their own father and brother, who were more dangerous than he wanted to accept. They wouldn’t hurt Anna.... Cas hoped. She was still part of the family._

_Cas drove home, nervous as to what he would find. He may have been wrong. He stormed in the house. The living room was empty. There was a spot of blood on the couch. Cas’s breath caught in his throat. “Anna,” he called, his deep voice strained. “Anna! Are you okay? Where are you?”_

_He heard a high scream come from the basement, quickly silenced. Cas ran to the basement, seeing Anna tied to a chair, Michael covering her mouth. “Let her go, Michael,” Cas growled. “You know Father wouldn’t allow this.”_

_“Oh, I don’t know, Castiel,” Michael said cruelly, taking hand off Anna’s mouth and slapping her hard. “He doesn’t like it when we step out of line.”_

_“Castiel, please! I didn’t mean anything by it!”_

_“I know, Anna,” Castiel said, meeting his eyes with his sister’s. He punched Michael hard. His brother was stronger, but caught off guard. Michael was unconscious. Castiel quickly untied Anna and carried her out of the house and to his car. He didn’t know where to take her. A hospital. That was the first thing she needed. “Stay with me, Anna,” he said panicked, holding her face and watching her eyes droop. “Anna? Talk to me.”_

_“I’m sorry... Castiel... I didn’t...” Anna started, strained._

_He shushed his sister. “Just keep your eyes on me, Anna. We’re going to get you to a hospital.”_

_Cas ripped out of their driveway and onto the main road. As he drove, he kept glancing over at Anna and reaching over on occasion to check she was still breathing. It looked like Michael had tried to kill their sister and nearly succeeded. He removed his hand from Anna’s wrist and reached into his pocket grabbing his phone. He didn’t know who he was going to call then he remembered: Call or text if you need anything... I mean it. Maybe it was stupid, but he didn’t want to be alone. He scrolled down to Dean’s number in his phone. The other man answered almost immediately._

_“Hey, Cas,” Dean greeted cheerily. “What’s up?”_

_“Dean,” Cas breathed in relief. “I know it’s not exactly the type of thing - but you did say anything, I need you to meet me at Mercy Hospital.”_

_“Woah. Cas, buddy, it’s fine. I’ll be there. Are you okay?”_

_“I’m fine. It’s my sister,” he said, looking at her._

_“I’m leaving now, Cas, I’ll see you there.”_

_“Thank you, Dean.”_

_“No problem, man.”_

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Gabriel make a decision that their brothers are not very happy with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for the long gap in between post. I have to wait to get a new computer so yeah. Enjoy!

Dean woke up in the passenger seat of the Impala. Sam had forced him to get some sleep while they drove somewhere that Dean couldn’t remember. His brother thought it would be a good idea for them to get out of the motel room for a change. “Sam, where exactly are we going?” He asked, sitting up.

 

“You’ll see, I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself,” Sam answered, looking ahead. “Do you feel better now that you got some sleep?”

 

Dean just grunted in reply. “So are we going to a strip club then?”

 

“No, Dean.”

 

“Well, you said I would enjoy myself, didn’t you?”

 

“Yeah... Whatever. No, it’s not a strip club.”

 

“Well, if you’re going to drive Baby, at least tell me where you’re takin’ her.”

 

“Would you calm down? You’ll know when we get close.”

 

Then, as if on queue, he saw the sign as they went onto the freeway. “Sam, no. Pull over, now!”

 

“No, Dean. We’re going. I called Gabriel and he said Anna got Michael and their father to stay at the lakehouse. We’re going home and you are going to tell Cas why you really left.”

 

“Sam, you know I can’t do that. I have to stay away. That was the deal. I stay away and nobody gets hurt.”

 

“They won’t even know you were there Dean. They don’t have to know.”

 

“And if they find out?” Dean asked, getting increasingly infuriated with his brother.

 

 

  
“You did what?!” Cas asked infuriated.

 

“I called Sam and Dean and told them to come home,” Gabriel answered casually, ignoring his brother’s tone and sitting next to Cas on the couch. “Michael and Father are staying at the lake house for a while longer -”

 

“With Anna,” Cas cut Gabriel off. “What if they find out? Can you imagine what they would do to her? They might actually succeed in killing her this time!”

 

“And what if they don’t find out? You might actually get your answers. Please at least try, Castiel.”

 

“Yes, because it worked out so well the last time Anna had a disagreement with them,” he said, using the level of sarcasm he had learned from the very person he was trying to forget. “Don’t tell me it will just be okay, because I saw Michael trying to kill our sister because she was caught with the wrong guy! I can’t even imagine what they would do if she was caught defending -”

 

“This isn’t like last time...” Gabriel pleaded weakly.

 

“No, it’s not because this time you won’t be coming to see her in a hospital. It will be a funeral home!”

 

“Castiel -”

 

“Gabriel, don’t even try.”

  
_The other man hung up and Cas turned into the emergency room parking lot. He carried an unconscious Anna through the doors after leaving his car with a valet. “We need a bed! Now!” A woman shouted back from the reception desk and pointed Cas through the doors where nurses were already bringing a bed through. He placed Anna down gently. He followed them to a room after saying that he was her brother and being allowed through - a nagging sense in the back of his mind told him that Michael could do the same thing. He sat at her bedside, holding her hand while they attached an IV and checked her vitals. They asked the questions about who she was and what happened. Cas hesitated and lied. Said she fell down some stairs. The nurse gave him a skeptical look. He knew she didn’t believe him, but she didn’t say anything. The doctor came in, asked more questions and examined Anna._

_"Well, Mr. Novak, If you want to have a seat, our waiting room is right out there,” she said sweetly, gesturing to the door._

_Cas shook his head. “I’m not leaving my sister,” he said determined._

_“Well, we'll be back soon to do some testing. You should get some rest. You did the right thing bringing her so quickly.” She left the room and Cas could hear her say something to someone outside the door, but wasn’t paying much attention. He was concentrating on Anna, tubes sticking out of her face and red hair in disarray. He only looked up when a gruff voice broke through his thoughts._

_“Cas, buddy, I’m sorry.”_

_Cas looked up and saw Dean in the doorway, concern plain on his face. “Thank you, Dean, although I’m the one who should be apologizing. I shouldn’t have asked you to come. You probably had other things to do today,” Cas said quickly, still looking at Dean apologetically._

_“You really overestimate my importance, man. I just told Bobby I needed to be there for a friend. He understood. ” Dean’s face was soft and concentrated on Cas, studying him. “How are_ you _?” Dean asked, pulling up a chair next to Cas. The other man looked away from Dean and shook his head._

_“It is not of import,” he replied, rubbing his hand on his knees. He could feel Dean’s eyes still on him. “I’m really just worried about Anna right now.”_

_Dean could tell he wasn’t going to get Cas to admit he wasn’t okay, so Dean sighed heavily and asked “Do they know how long it will take her to recover?”_

_“They can’t really say right now.”_

_“What really happened to her, Cas?” Dean asked quietly, leaning toward Cas and then noticed him shift uncomfortably. “Alright, sorry, it’s none of my business. I mean you barely know me.”_

_“It’s fine, Dean. I asked you to be here. I just - I just don’t want to talk about it right now.”_

_“Fair enough," he replied, not wanting to force anything that Cas didn't want to tell him._

_They sat there in a comfortable silence. Cas didn't know why, but something about the other man made him feel at ease. He just sat in the chair next to Cas. Occasionally he would glance over and catch Dean staring. He would quickly look back down at his hands and his cheeks would turn bright red which, for some reason, made Cas smile. "My brother," he said after a while._

_“What?" Dean asked looking up, somewhat confused._

_"My brother, Michael. That's what happened to Anna," Cas said, looking ahead as he said the words. As he said them, he felt rage and loss and guilt. Guilt for betraying his brother to this man he had only met a little over twelve hours ago and guilt for still feeling loyalty to Michael after what he did. He might lose Anna and he felt like he had already lost Michael. He knew that he would never be able to look at him the same way after today._

_Dean’s face fell with a look of shock and horror. Cas could tell that the other man didn’t quite know how to react. He opened his mouth a couple times and closed it. “Son of a bitch,” Dean breathed out rubbing his face with his hands and then looking at Anna._

_“Actually our mother was a lovely woman,” Cas stated, giving Dean a look of confusion._

_“Cas, I didn’t mean to - I’m sure she was - wait was?”_

_“Dean,” Cas warned before he opened up more to him._

_“Right. Sorry. It’s an expression. ‘Son of bitch’. It’s an expression, Cas. I didn’t mean to say anything bad about -”_

_“It’s okay, Dean,” Cas said with a small smile.  The other man’s babbling was distracting, which Cas appreciated. He didn’t really have anything else to concentrate on. Dean’s eyes still filled with the most concern he had ever seen. It was almost overwhelming._

_“What I meant to say is... What happened... What you must be going through... It’s awful. It must be awful. I can’t even imagine - If anything ever happened to Sammy, I don’t know what I would do. I know how feeling like you have to protect everyone can be.”_

_Those words struck Cas like lightning. He did feel like he had to protect Anna and he had failed. “Yeah, it’s... it’s not easy. Especially when such a pathetic job is done of it,” he said, gesturing toward his sister._

_“Cas, don’t make this harder on yourself than it has to be. It is not your fault that Michael did this. It’s Michael’s fault,” Dean said with care, somewhat frustrated._

_“If I would have been there - If hadn’t run away -”_

_“Then he may have done the same thing to you and that wouldn’t be better and Anna might not have been alive now.”_

_Cas could see the determination on Dean’s face as he said the words. All he could do was sigh. For all he regretted about the night before, he couldn’t regret meeting Dean. He was glad he had someone there to keep his guilt at bay._

_“I need to call Gabriel and tell him what happened,” Cas said after a few minutes of silence._

_“Do you want me to leave when he gets here?”_

_“No,” Cas said before he realized he was saying it. “I don’t think he would ask questions.”_

_“Are you sure, Cas?”_

_“Dean, please stay,” Cas said, giving Dean a look of such desperation it made the other man’s heart ache._

_“Yeah, of course I will,” he replied, reaching over to grab Cas's hand. Dean didn't know why he felt such a profound bound with Cas, but he did know that he needed to do whatever he could to help the other man through this._

_Cas squeezed Dean's hand and stood up, taking his phone out his pocket and going to the corner of the room._

_He paced the floor as the phone rang continuously, hung up and tried several more times until Gabriel picked up._

_"Castiel, what is it?" He drawled out._

_Cas rolled his eyes at his brother's tone before giving him an answer. "Anna's in the hospital, Gabriel," he stated angrily, waiting for the other man's reply._

_"How bad is it?" He asked after a long silence._

_"It's ... looking grim," Cas answering, looking back at his sister._

_"Which of them was it?"_

_"Michael."_

_Gabriel gave an exasperated sigh. "Where are you?"_

_"Mercy."_

_"Okay. I'll be there soon."_

_"Okay," Cas said before hanging up and leaning against the wall with his head on his arm, facing away from Dean. He could feel tears coming at the back of his eyes, but pushed them back._

Cas threw his hands in the air and stormed out of the house grabbing his trench coat and freezing as he saw the all too familiar car pulling in the driveway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, feedback is appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is starting to rethink some things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh! There are readers! You guys are so amazing! Sorry again for the wait. I now have my new computer, but I have also just started college so posts may still be a bit spaced out. I am writing though.

Dean and Sam continued fighting and having long silences until they pulled up in the driveway. When they did, Dean refused to look up from his feet or uncross his arms. Sam was not going to get him out of that car. No way. He didn’t want this to be happening. It couldn’t be happening. He wasn’t going to let this happen. He wasn’t going endanger the two people he cared about most just because he needed to feel better. He could survive like he had been. It wouldn’t be that hard.

Sam opened the passenger door and leaned in. “Come on, Dean, just get out of the car. That’s all I’m asking.”

“No,” he replied.

“Please,” Sam pleaded. “You need this. Both of you do.”

Dean almost growled, but got out of the car, knowing that this would continue for a lot longer if he didn’t.

When he looked up, he saw Cas on the porch looking bewildered, holding his trenchcoat. Cas looked Dean in the eyes and quickly went back inside. He stood staring at the house for a long minute then walked around to the driver’s side and opened the door. “What the hell are you doing, Dean?!” Sam shouted.

“I’m getting away from this place, Sammy. If you want to come, great. If not, then just don’t try to stop me.”

Sam let out an exasperated sigh and pulled his hair back in his fist. “Dean, you’re ridiculous. I know that you want to stay. Just talk to him!”

Dean slammed the door then turned back to his brother. “Fine. And if I do? Who says he’ll want to talk to me?! I know I wouldn’t! Even if he did... What the hell am I supposed to say to him?!”

“The truth, Dean.”

 

Cas looked out the window at the Winchesters. He didn’t know if it was because the walls were thin or because Dean was getting extremely angry that he could hear every word. From past experience, he knew it was probably the latter. It was taking all his strength not to go back out there and calm Dean down, tell him everything was okay. Of course he wanted to talk to Dean, it had been all he wanted for a long time, but he couldn’t. Dean was already fighting to take off. It wouldn’t do any good to become reattached.

Dean kept looking back at the house and didn’t act as though he saw anything. For a while, he looked like he was going to hit Sam. This was a different kind of anger than what Cas saw their last night together. This type of anger was the type that Cas was used to seeing on Dean. It meant that he cared very deeply about whatever it was and he _needed_ to be heard. It was strange seeing him act so familiar after all this time. The man who left was like a stranger.

Sam was not great at holding his ground and despite his best efforts Dean ripped out of the driveway moments later, leaving Sam in the dust. The sight of the Impala driving farther and farther away caused a gut wrenching pain in Cas’ stomach. He knew Dean would stay close, because Sam was here. That, for some reason, was a small comfort.

He was still staring at the Impala driving off, so when Sam knocked on the door he nearly jumped five feet before answering it. “Hello, Sam.”

“Hey, Cas. Look, I’m really sorry about just showing up here like this. I know it’s not right and it’s really none of my business and he’d probably kill me if he knew that I was telling you this, but Dean’s doing awful without you, man. He needs you,” Sam rattled off at a mile a minute.

Cas stood there bewildered for a minute. He didn’t know how to respond. There was no way Sam would lie about something like this, but he couldn’t phantom how it could be true. “Sam, you should go find Dean. He’s not going to come back here. He left for a reason.” All Cas wanted to do was give in to what Sam had just told him and go after Dean, but he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t open himself up to getting hurt like that again.

“Yes, but whatever reason he told you -”

“Sam, stop. I know you think you’re helping and I appreciate it, but -”

“Would you like to come in for some coffee, Sam?” Gabriel asked, pushing past his brother.

“That sounds great actually. Thank you. I’m so sorry about Dean,” he said, coming into the dining room. “For some reason, I thought that would go better.”

“Do we know the same Dean Winchester? You actually expected him to listen to someone?”

Sam laughed as he sat at the table and waited for Gabriel to make the coffee. “I guess, for some reason, I thought I could get through to him.”

“Sam,” Cas interjected. “Is something wrong?” He asked trying to sound less worried than he was. He couldn’t think of a reason that Sam would possibly come back here.

“Cas, I already told you. Dean needs you. He’d never admit it, but he does. He’s falling apart.”

“I do not think he does. He left months ago and has not contacted me since,” Cas stated coldly, hiding how much it hurt to say that aloud and hiding how badly he wanted to know where Dean had gone, so he could find him.

“And I’ve already told you why that is,” Gabriel said frustrated, bringing in two mugs of coffee and handing one to Sam. “You know I’m right. Sam knows too.”

Sam gave Gabriel a quizzical look. “Wait, how do you -”

“I know my father,” he answer sternly. “And I know Michael.”

“Does Cas - Cas do you know?”

“All I know is that Gabriel and Anna think that Father and Michael had something to do with Dean’s departure.”

 

Dean knew it was a mistake to go back to a familiar place but he couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. The Roadhouse wasn’t overly populated, as usual. He walked in mechanically, not really aware of what he was doing. He was just going through the motions that he had done so many times. He looked across the room at the bar and saw Ellen behind it telling Jo to put something outside.

The petite blonde bumped into to him as she headed toward the door. “Sorry,” she said, dropping the box as she looked up. “My God, Dean? Is that really you?”

Dean just pulled her in and held her tight. He had missed her so much. He had missed everything about this place. Jo hugged him back and then pushed him away and slapped him across the face. “What in the world were you thinking?! You just left everyone! I know you’ve been checking in, but, Dean.... We were worried! I didn’t think that you could be that stupid as to think we would just believe you would up and leave everyone!”

“Jo, what are you -” Ellen stopped when she saw why her daughter was still standing in the doorway. “Well, I’ll be damned. Dean Winchester really has returned.”

Dean walked pass Jo and over to the bar, sitting down felt like such a relief. “Hey, Ellen. Jo, I’m sorry...” He started turning to the women who was now sitting next to him. “Look, I’m sorry. Please believe me, I was doing what was best. I knew what I was doing. The only reason I’m back is -”

“Sam, yeah, he called us when you boys were on your way here. Bobby’s still at the garage, but he’s expecting you boys to get back to the house soon.”

“Ellen, I can’t stay. As soon as I get Sam, we’re going,” Dean said decidedly. He couldn’t let anyone he loved be in more danger than they already were. He needed to protect them. He really wish he didn’t. He wished he could just be selfish for once. It would be so much easier to just stay, but he knew what would happen if he stayed. He couldn’t let any harm come to the two people he loved most.

“Wait, what?” Ellen said. “Dean, why did you really leave?”

“I’ve already told you -”

“No you haven’t and we all know it.”

“Fine. I’ve haven’t, but I’m not going either. It won’t help with anything.” Dean looked down at the bar, spreading his hands out and pushing himself up. “Well, I should get going.”

“Stop by tonight with your brother, Dean,” Ellen said before he left. “You’re old room is still available. ”

“Thanks, Ellen, I’ll think about it,” Dean said honestly, getting up from the bar stool and going back to the Impala. He was thinking about it. He didn’t know what he thought about it. He couldn’t be thinking about this. His happiness didn’t matter, not with so much at stake. Cas’ did. God, Cas. His face when he saw Dean. He couldn’t wipe it from his mind. Maybe he should see him. He picked up the phone and dialed Sam’s number. “Sam, I’m at heading over to Bobby’s meet me there,” he said, hanging up before his brother could respond. He wasn’t going to deliberately go to that house, but he was half hoping Sam would somehow convince Cas to give him a ride.

 

Sam put the phone back in his pocket and sighed. “I don’t suppose there’s any chance that one of you could give me a ride to Bobby’s, is there?” He asked, mostly to Gabriel, knowing that Cas wouldn’t do it.

Gabriel looked at Cas who walked away and sighed. “Yeah, sure, so exactly how pissed is Dean right now?” He asked, leading Sam out the door.

“You say that like you haven’t met my brother,” Sam half joked getting into the passenger seat of Gabriel’s car.

“Right,”Gabriel said, gripping the steering wheel tight. “One second, Sam, I’ll be right back,” he said, getting out of the car.

“Gabe, what are you doing?” Sam asked, following the other man.

“I’m going to get other brothers to talk whether they like it or not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there is anything you guys would like to see particularly, please let me know. I do have quite a few times of writer's block and having some ideas from you lovelies would greatly help. Hugs to all of you guys!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean decides he doesn't want to listen to Michael anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was so late... again.

“Just let me go in first,” Sam said hesitantly. “Gabe, this is risky.”

“Stupid. I think you mean stupid, Sam,” Cas said, sulking in the backseat.

“Shut up, Cas,” Sam and Gabriel said in unison.

Cas just responded by putting his hands up getting out of the car and standing near it waiting for Sam to come back out with Dean. His heart was racing. He couldn’t exactly remember how Gabriel got him to go along. Dean would be angry at best. He knew how Dean dealt with anger, or any emotion he didn’t like for that matter. He would drink until it was gone. Cas had tried to get Dean to stop, but it had always backfired and he imagined that Dean hadn’t made any changes in that area. There was no way this could go well, no matter how much he wanted it to.

He saw them getting closer to the car. “Sam, this cryptic shit is really getting old. If you did anything to Baby, I swear....” Dean trailed off as he saw why Sam said he wouldn’t be too happy. As soon as he saw Cas standing there by the car, he almost ran back toward the house.

 

Dean really couldn’t handle much more of this. Seeing the man once was enough. He couldn’t hurt him again. He just couldn’t. He knew that Sam and Gabe were trying to do what was best for both of their brothers, but he couldn’t keep doing this. Hurting Cas once was more than enough. He knew that he would end up failing Cas eventually. He always failed the people he cared about. Why should Cas be any different? Because Cas was - is - different. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you, he told himself, quickly brushing off what he knew was true.

As Dean continued toward the house, he could hear Gabe arguing with Cas and Sam coming after him.

“I told you he would do this, Gabriel!” Cas shouted. “He doesn’t care anymore! He won’t even look at me! Why exactly should I stay?”

Dean cringed as he heard the words, wanting more than anything to tell Cas he was being ridiculous. This is the point, Dean, he reminded himself. If he thought you still cared, he might actually want to talk to you. Still, he could hear the pain in the other man’s voice and it was killing him. “Dean!” He heard Sam shout behind him. “Dean, you can’t just run away from this forever,” he said, once he came up next to Dean.

“Yes, I can, Sam! And you know, what? I’m not running. I’m doing what’s best,” he said, looking back at Cas trying not to show how much this was killing him. “You know I am,” he finished through gritted teeth.

“The best for who?” Sam asked before Dean quickly walked - not ran - to the Impala.

He sped past the three other men and started toward the bar. This was all happening way too fast. It was all too much. He couldn’t handle seeing that hurt and rejected look on his Cas’ face again. He’s not yours anymore, he reminded himself with a tightening in his throat. Why couldn’t Sam see that it was best for him just to stay away from Cas? He didn’t deserve someone as good and wonderful and beautiful as Cas. He never did.

When he got to the bar, Ellen and Jo were both busy with something. Dean looked in either direction, leaned over the bar, grabbed a couple bottles of whisky and headed up to his old room. He set one of the bottles down by the bed and started on the first. There was so much swirling through his mind. The yelling. The confusion and those goddamned eyes! So much blue. The eyes and that soft, dark hair with permanent bed head that fitted its owner so well. He finished the first bottle, threw at the wall and started on the second. Normally he would be in some haze by now and not even remember who Castiel Novak was, but today was different. He had seen Cas twice. He had seen him hurt twice. He had left Cas again twice. He got most of the way through the second bottle before he was no longer able to stand and he fell onto his bed.

_Dean had been looking at Cas while he was on the phone with his brother and he stood up and hesitated before going over to the other man. He didn’t want to overstep his bounds, but didn’t like seeing his new friend like this. This hurt. There had to be something he could do. He leaned on the wall next to him. “What did he say?”_

_“He’ll be here soon,” Cas replied, not looking up. Shit, Dean was bad at this stuff. He needed to get better at it fast. That’s why he was here, right? To be a supportive friend. He knew how to fake caring to get laid, but wasn’t great at actually showing affection. There really wasn’t much opportunity. The Winchester men weren’t exactly famous for their warmth and Sam had gotten more of their mother’s compassion than Dean did._

_“And Gabriel? He won’t tell Michael anything? She’ll be okay with him?”_

_Cas nodded._

_They had been in the hospital room for hours and Dean could tell Cas was wearing thin. Gabriel had arrived a bit ago and Dean excused himself to let them talk, assuring Cas he would be back. He got himself a cup of coffee from the machine in the lobby and started wondering what he was doing. He had just met Cas the night before and he had been caught up in this whirlwind. This wasn't Dean's typical routine, but he felt a connection with the other man and he needed to get him through this._

_He walked up to the room, his coffee half-finished. "Hey Cas, do you want to get out of here for a bit? Maybe get you some new clothes," Dean said, looking at Cas' blood stained shirt and coat._

_"I do not want to go home at the moment, Dean."_

_"Alright. Understood. I'm sure I have something that will fit you."_

_"Dean, I can't leave -"_

_"Go ahead, baby bro, I got this covered," Gabriel interjected, putting his feet up on the end of the bed._

_"Are you -?"_

_"Yes, I'm sure. Now, go."_

  
_Once they were back at Dean's apparent, Cas kept pacing the floor while Dean picked out one of his better band t-shirts and jeans and threw them on the bed. He turned around and saw tears streaming down Cas' face. The sight made Dean’s heart ache._

_He walked over, stopped Cas and wrapped his arms around the other man tightly. "It will be okay, Cas. Everything will be okay," he soothed as he stroked Cas' tousled dark hair and felt Cas' arms wrapped around him._

_“How could I have let this happen, Dean? How could I have just abandoned her like that?”_

_Dean pulled away from the embrace. “Hey, look at me,” he said, putting his hand on the other man’s cheek and locking eyes with him. “You can’t think like that. I won’t let you.”_

_“Dean...” Cas started, unsure of what he was going to say, but knowing he didn’t deserve Dean’s protest._

_Dean pulled the other man’s face toward him and kissed him slowly. Cas brought his hand to the back of Dean’s head and pressed it closer, returning the kiss passionately. They leaned into each other desperate and hungry. They needed each other more than anything in that moment. Nothing else seemed to matter as Cas exploded Dean’s mouth with his tongue. Dean returned his curiosity and moved his hands to the lapels of the other man’s dirty trenchcoat, using them to throw Cas against the wall._

_Cas pulled Dean closer until there was no space between them. He pulled away for a second then planted kisses along the line of Cas’ jaw and down his neck and continued suckling his neck tenderly. “Dean...” Cas drawled out. “I should.... get...” he started breathlessly, but stopped and let out a loud moan as Dean rubbed his hard cock against Cas’ own._

_“Now,” Dean said, smiling and stepping away just enough to make the other man want to pull him back. “Let’s get you out of those clothes.”_

_Castiel let his coat fall to the floor as he led Dean to the bed. Dean quickly removed his leather jacket and shirt, barely taking his lips away from Cas’ as he did. He straddled Cas as they got to the bed, working clumsily at unknotting the other man’s tie, throwing it off and working on the shirt with an unparalleled amount of urgency. Dean pushed Cas down after he had removed his shirt and ran his tongue along Cas’ collar bone and moved up to kiss his neck again as Cas fumbled with his belt and pulled his pants off. Dean couldn’t help but be totally immersed in Cas, his smell and his taste and his warmth.  This was both of them needed, to be completely lost in each other._

Dean bolted up and immediately regretted it, falling back down on the pillow, groaning. He was so sick of this. He still wasn’t quite sober enough to realize what a bad idea this was, but he got up and headed downstairs. He needed to go talk to Cas. He was going to tell him what really happened. It was too much to hear that the other man thought that he couldn’t stand him. He was so sick of just doing what Michael told him to do.

He stumbled out the door a slid into the Impala. As he was driving, he started to realize he should have waited a couple more hours at least. The road seemed extremely narrow and Dean was struggling to keep himself awake, but he needed to do this. He knew if he was sober he wouldn’t do this in a million years, but he had to go through with it. His heart started racing when he stopped in front of the familiar house.

He practically fell into the door when he reached it. “Cas!” He said loudly, knocking on the door. “Cas!”

The door opened as he was about to knock again. Cas stood in the doorway, sleepy and gorgeous with his bed-head worse than usual. He was wearing an old AC/DC t-shirt that, although he didn’t notice it at the time, used to belong to Dean and boxers. Cas only wore the shirt because it still smelled like whiskey and Old Spice. “Hello, Dean,” Cas said, looking at Dean with his head cocked to the side in that adorable way. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to - to,” Dean started. _God-damn it, Dean! Just tell him! You’re already here. Just tell him._ “Cas, I - you’re - I didn’t - ”

Cas could smell what had prompted Dean’s visit and the reason he was being mainly supported by the door frame. As much as he thought it was a bad idea to indulge Dean when he was like this, he didn’t want him to drive in this condition. “Dean, come in and sit down,” he said, opening the door wider and guiding Dean in. This was definitely a bad idea, but he couldn’t shake the old habit of taking care of Dean when he got like this.

Dean followed Cas into the living room and sat down on the couch with him. “Cas, I -” Dean started again.

“Are you okay, Dean?”

“No, I’m not okay. I can’t stand that you think that I feel that way about you. Of course, I’ve wanted to talk to you. That’s all I’ve wanted since I left, but I couldn’t!”

“But, Dean, you said -”

“Yeah, Cas, I know what I said, but none of that is true. Well, one part is. I did need to get away, but now for the reasons I said. I had to keep you and Sammy safe. Michael, he would’ve - ” Dean couldn’t even stand to think about it. About losing his Cas.

Cas didn’t know what to think about what Dean was saying. He was just looking into those bright green eyes that seemed so sincere and so caring. It was definitely his Dean that was talking to him. The overwhelming urge to comfort him took over whatever will power he had before. “It’s not your job to protect everyone, Dean. I’ve lived with Michael all my life. I can take care of myself.”

“I’m not saying you can’t, but I couldn’t bare the thought of you getting hurt. And I hate that I had to hurt you, but it’s what I thought was best, maybe it still is, but I can’t do it anymore. I won't last without you. You’re my everything, Cas, and I need you,” he said, starting to realize how painfully chick-flick this was getting, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He took a deep breath when he was done and waited for the other man’s response. Hoping he hadn’t completely ruined his chances. He felt so vulnerable, but with Cas it didn’t matter. It never had. He needed Cas to know he still cared.

“Dean,” Cas sighed, wanting so badly to close the gap between them. “Can we talk about this in morning? Maybe when you can think clearly.”

“Sure thing, man,” Dean said, nervous, but relieved that it didn’t go terribly. “Whatever you want.” He was really hoping in the morning he still had the courage to talk about this.

Cas didn’t know what he was doing, but he was already in deep. He couldn’t let Dean drive home. “Dean, would you stay here tonight? I don’t want you to drive back how you are,” he said cautiously, after coming back from the kitchen and handing Dean a glass of water. He knew he was pushing it. He was getting Dean back and he felt like he needed to savor it while he could.

“Yeah, sure, thanks Cas,” he said, meeting the other man’s eyes. He had missed this. He followed Cas upstairs to his room. Dean let Cas guide him into the bed, take his boots off, and pull the blanket over him. It felt so good to let him in again. He felt suddenly colder when Cas turned to leave. “Cas, please stay.” He barely noticed that he said the words, but he didn’t want the other man to leave.

He sighed and turned to Dean, his emerald eyes pleading. This is a bad idea, Cas, a terrible idea. You can’t actually be doing this. What is he going to do when you’re there in the morning? He ignored the voice in his head and let himself give in. “Of course,” he said, getting into the bed. Dean had already scooted over to “his” side of the bed. It seemed so natural for them.

Dean was already becoming more relaxed than he had been in months. Having Cas next to him again just seemed right. He closed the gap that remained between them and rested his head on Cas’ chest, feeling the other man put a protective arm around him and rub circles on his back. “I missed you so much,” Dean said, draping his arm across Cas’ torso and lacing his fingers through the other man’s own.

“I missed you too,” Cas said, squeezing Dean’s hand and kissing him on the top of the head. Dean was asleep within minutes. Cas couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have Dean in his arms again. He would probably want to leave in the morning, but at least now he knew that his Dean was still there. Dean could get stupid when he was drunk, but Cas believed every word he had said. What reason did he have to lie? He wished they could just stay like this forever, wrapped in each other’s arms. Cas continued to breathe the other man in. His scent was a bit overpowered with whiskey, but it was still Dean. It was the scent that Cas had longed for and smelled every night in his dreams. He hoped this was real and that Dean would still be here when he woke up.

This was his sign. He was done sitting in the background. He was going to fight for Dean this time. It was what they both needed.

_“Cas, what’s going on?” Dean asked confused, climbing down the stairs to Cas’ basement. He stopped and took in the scene in front of him when he reached the bottom. “Michael.”_

_“Hello, Dean, it’s nice to see you again,” the man across from him said, standing with a gun to Sam’s temple._

_“Yeah,” he answered sternly, looking around to see Cas already - no, not dead - just passed out. Cas wasn’t dead. He couldn’t be dead. Although the blood pooling around his head said otherwise._

_“Dean, Dean, Dean, look at the mess you’ve made,” Michael tutted, cocking the gun in his hand._

_“No, Michael stop,” Dean pleaded. “You don’t need to do this.”_

_“Oh, I think I do. You know, I didn’t ask you for very much. Stay away and nobody gets hurt. You couldn’t do that, could you?”_

_“Dean, I’m sorry,” Sam said desperately. “I didn’t know he would find out.”_

_“Sam, it’s not your fault. It’s -”_

_Dean was cut off by a gunshot sounding when Michael sent a bullet through Sam’s skull. “Sam!” Dean screamed, running to his brother, holding his head between his hands. “Sammy! No! Come on, Sammy!” He stopped and dropped to his knees, resting his head on Sam’s. “Son of bitch,” he whispered._

Cas woke up to a hard kick and looked over to see Dean tossing and turning. At some point, Dean had rolled out of the position they had fallen asleep in and was facing away from Cas, which wasn’t surprising. He could tell Dean was still at least mostly asleep. He heard mumbles coming from the other man of “no” and “Sammy” and “son of bitch”.

Cas lightly shook the other man. “Dean,” he said quietly and calmly.

“No,” Dean said forcefully. Cas propped himself up on his elbow so he could see Dean’s face. He was still asleep.

Cas knew this was bad. He needed to get Dean back to reality quickly. He had experienced Dean’s nightmares before and knew they could be quite vivid and it was best to wake Dean up as gently and quickly as possible. “Dean, it’s Cas,” he said, trying to sound calm. “You’re having a nightmare. You need to wake up.” He waited another fifteen minutes or so. He didn’t want to shock Dean, but he couldn’t stand to watch this anymore. He shook him a little harder this time. “Please, Dean.”

This seemed to work because Dean rolled back toward Cas and buried his head in the other man’s chest, pulling him in with strong arms. Cas responded by putting his arms around Dean and squeezing tight. “It was just a nightmare,” he smoothed, rubbing his back again and kissing the top of his head. “It wasn’t real. This is real. Dean, look at me.” The other man looked up and shining green met blue. “Can you tell me where you are?”

“Cas, you don’t have to do this...”

“Can you tell me where you are?” Cas repeated. Dean was wrong. He did have to do this. Dean was always taking care of everyone around him and there was rarely someone to take care of him and that had been Cas’ job.

Dean let out a slow breath, knowing it would help. “I’m -” In your basement with Michael, who just killed you and Sam. He looked up at Cas, locking his eyes with him.  They were the picture of serenity at the moment. Cas was great at staying calm, especially when he needed to be. “I’m in your bedroom,” Dean answered shakily.

Cas returned Dean’s gaze when the other man’s eyes returned to his. He hoped he was doing a good enough job at hiding how worried he was, trying to keep Dean calm. He hated when Dean had these nightmares. He always came out of them wrecked. It had taken some time, but Cas had found a few ways that seemed to soften the blow.

Dean felt Cas continue to rub his back. He loved that feeling. He was trying his hardest to concentrate on that and the other man’s eyes and not on the visions that were still going through his head. The flashing scenes interrupting the calming blue of the eyes in front of him.

It wasn’t working yet. Cas recognized the far - off look in his eyes and could feel him start to shake.

“I’m sorry, Cas, you shouldn’t have to deal with this,” Dean said, not knowing what else to say. This wasn’t what Cas deserved. He had been dealing with his own messes and now Cas was forced to deal with one of the worse ones. The all too possible outcome of his return.  

Cas could still see the terrified, questioning look in Dean’s eyes and it was the worse thing he had ever seen. At least his gaze had stopped darting throughout the room and was more settled now. “It’s fine, Dean,” Cas responded immediately. “You’re not going to go through this alone.”

Dean couldn’t look away from Cas. He needed an anchor. His head was still swirling and he wasn’t quite sure that he was out of the basement. He wasn’t entirely sure that Michael hadn’t just killed his brother. The brother whom he lived to protect was killed because he was selfish and couldn’t stay away from Cas. “Michael, he -”

“Michael’s still gone, Dean. He’s at the lakehouse with father and Anna.”

Dean took a shaky breath and buried himself in Cas’ chest again, breathing him in, hearing his heartbeat.

“Cas, I watched Michael shoot him. You were already - already dead and he killed Sammy.”

“Ssh, it’s okay,” Cas soothed. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. Sam’s fine. He’s probably back at Bobby’s.” Cas felt Dean nod against his chest. He couldn’t stand it when Dean was like this. He hated seeing the other man in pain. It was always the worse when he thought something had happened to Sam. There was always the extra hint of thinking he had failed when he was worried about Sam.

Dean was taking deep, shaky breaths. “I need a drink. I should go. Cas, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come,” he said sorrowfully, pushing back the covers and starting to get up. Cas sat up with him and grabbed his arm when he sat at the edge of the bed. “Cas, please, I can’t stay,” Dean said painfully, putting his head in his hands.

“Dean, I’m not letting you go again,” Cas protested, turning the other man’s face toward him. Dean looked at Cas with desperation, sighed and turned his body back toward him.

“I love you,” Dean said, leaning in to Cas’ touch and kissing him hard enough to make up for all the time they had missed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas are pretty happy with the morning after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short and a little fluffy. I thought I'd take a break from the angst for a bit. There will be more later on so fluff now.

“No, Sam, he’s not here,” Jo answered.

“Joana Beth, wrap that up and get back to work,” Sam heard Ellen say on the other end.

“Mom, Dean’s missing,” she said to Ellen then brought the phone back up to her ear to talk to Sam. “I’ll go check his room just to make sure.”

“Okay, thanks Jo,” Sam answered, trying to stay calm. “Dean was pretty pissed when he left yesterday. I just want to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid.”

“Um, Sam, I’m pretty sure that’s not in the cards,” Jo said, looked around Dean’s room and seeing the broken glass and empty bottle on the floor. “Have you tried calling him?” 

“Yeah, but he’s not answering. Hold on, Jo, I got another call. I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll let you know if Dean comes by.”

“Thanks,” Sam said before hanging up. He took a deep breath before answering the other call. “Hey, Gabriel, what’s going on?”

“Hi Sam, I just thought I’d let you know that Dean’s over here. He came over pretty hammered last night, but I’m pretty sure Cas took care of it.”

Sam let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Gabe. Is he okay?”

“Yeah, Sam, big brother’s just dandy. You can unbunch your panties now,” he smirked.

“Shut up,” Sam said, laughing and shaking his head before hanging up.

  
Dean groaned as he woke up, feeling the pounding of his head and the breathing underneath it. He opened his eyes and quinted at the familiar surroundings. Memories of the night before came flashing back to him as saw who the breathing belonged to and that he wasn’t imagining the familiar scent. Dean rolled on to his back and wiped his face with his hands. Cas seemed to have noticed the movement as he moved his head to the other man’s chest. Dean looked down and smiled as the dark tickled his chin. He sighed and put one arm around Cas and held the other man’s hand to his chest. He conceded to the ever growing part of him that just wanted to stay here and appreciate how peaceful the other man was. This was such a contrast to the Cas he was used to seeing in his dreams. He looked as content as Dean felt. It occurred to him that he could much better protect Cas if he was here than if he was miles away.

“Dean?” Cas asked sleepily, nearly causing Dean to jump.

“Yeah, Cas, I’m here,” Dean answered, lifting Cas’ chin gently so he could look at his face and plant a tender kiss on his lips. “I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t want to - I mean I always thought that if I saw you again, it would be, well, different. I didn’t mean to -”

Dean was interrupted by Cas returning the kiss. “Dean, it’s fine. You’re here now. That’s what matters,” Cas said, pulling away and keeping a hand cupping Dean’s cheek.

“You wanna go get something to eat? I’m starving,” Dean said enthusiastically, getting out of bed and causing Cas to laugh and shake his head.

“You really haven’t changed, have you?” Cas asked as he pulled on a pair of jeans and changed into a clean shirt.

“You sound disappointed,” Dean pouted, putting his hands on Cas’ hips and pulling him close.

“Not a bit,” Cas answered, giving Dean a quick peck before running down the stairs closely followed by the other man.

Dean knew that it couldn’t be like this forever, just like he had known when he was first with Cas, but for the moment he pushed back the memories of what had brought him here. He was glad to see that smile that he had missed so much and to be able to show how much he cared.

“Hey Dean-o, long time no see,” said a familiar voice from the bottom of the stairs. Dean rolled his eyes as he realized who it belonged to.

“Hi Gabe,” Dean said a bit nervously, not quite knowing how much of last night the older Novak had heard.

“You better call that sasquatch of brother before he sends out the neighborhood watch out for you. I told him you were here, but just so he knows we didn’t let you die on the doorstep or something.”

“Shit, Sammy. Thanks,” Dean said, patting his pockets checking for his phone. Cas was already holding his out before Dean could ask. He gave Cas an apologetic look as he took it. “I’ll just be a minute then we can go,” he said to Cas, touching his arm before going in the other room to talk to Sam.

“So, am I allowed to say I told you so now?”

“What exactly did you tell me, Gabriel?” Cas asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Really? I’m still having to explain this? Dean cares. You can’t deny that anymore.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “Fine, you were right.”

“See, was that so painful?” Gabriel asked, smiling and causing his brother to laugh before he went to see what was taking Dean so long.

“I’m fine, Sammy,” a frustrated Dean said into the phone, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Yeah... I know.”

Cas sat down next to Dean took his hand away from his face. The other man looked at him with a mix of thankfulness and apology. “Sam, not now. We’ll talk about this later.... Yes, later ... Bye.” He hung up and returned the phone and his attention to Cas. “Okay, so where do you want to go eat?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is kinda short and it's been so long. I'm having some serious writer's block with this story. If you guys have any suggestions or things you would like to see happen, please let me know.

“Come on, Cas,” Dean said, noticing the way the other man’s bright blue eyes were scrutinizing the table. “Spit it out.”

Cas took a deep breath, still avoiding Dean’s gaze and picking up his fork to play with the eggs on his plate. “I just - I don’t want to - Dean, I need you to be honest with me about something,” he finished off, looking Dean in the eyes.

“Of course,” Dean said, without a thought, meeting Cas’ gaze.

“Are you going to leave again? Because if you are, I’d rather you do it soon. I don’t want to deal with what happened again,” Cas said quickly, looking away from Dean again.

Dean’s heart dropped seeing the uneasiness in the face across from him and even more when he remembered how earned it was. He was honestly surprised that he had been allowed in the house with the way he had acted last time. “No, Cas.... Hey, look at me. I’m not going to leave again, not if I can help it,” he said, putting his hand over the one Cas had laid on the table. Cas looked terrified, like he actually thought that Dean might bolt at any moment. “I promise. I swear on Baby, I’m not leaving you again.”

Cas smiled, small and private, and squeezed Dean’s hand. “Okay, thank you, Dean.”

They finished their meal in comfortable silence, stealing glances at each other. “Cas?” Dean asked cautiously as they were driving back to Cas’ house.

“Yes, Dean?”

“That night. The night that I left....” Dean paused and cleared his throat. He had pictured having this conversation for a long time, but he wasn’t entirely sure how to actually have it. He was thankful once again for Cas’ patience. “I didn’t mean what I said. I was just trying to -”

“I know, Dean,” Cas said, catching Dean by surprise.

“You know?” Dean asked, staring at Cas for longer than was probably safe to while driving.

“Yes, you told me last night.”

“Right,” Dean responded, wondering what else he revealed. He didn’t know what he was going to do. He had already broken his promise to Michael and then some. The man had to come home at some point, didn’t he? As happy as he was to be with Cas again, it didn’t completely cover the sinking feeling he got when Dean thought about would could happen to Cas and Sam. Dean heard his phone going off and fished it out of the pocket of his jacket. “Hello?”

“Hey, Dean,” said a voice he recognized as Gabriel’s, although it was much more stressed than usual. “Don’t bring Cas home, okay?”

“What? Why?” He asked confused, but turned the opposite direction of Cas’ street.

“They’re home. Anna said that she thinks they suspected something and decided to come back.”

Dean inhaled sharply. “Is she okay?” He asked, remembering how harsh the other Novak men could be.

“For now. Just keep Cas away from here for as long as you can and,” Gabriel paused. “Don’t let Sam come close either, okay? They could probably spot him from miles off.”

“Yeah, sure thing, Gabe,” Dean replied, giving a small smile. “I’ll check up later. You guys stay safe.”

“Okay,” he replied before hanging up.

“Son of a bitch,” Dean nearly shouted as he threw the phone down on the seat.

“What’s going on, Dean?” Cas asked, confused and concerned.

“Your dad and Michael. They’re home,” Dean answered, trying to stay calm. “We’re going back to Bobby’s and we’ll sort something out. Gabriel said that he and Anna are okay for now.”

  
Dean braced himself for the reactions he would get when they walked in. Sam had sounded less than happy with him on the phone and he couldn’t imagine the rest of the people back home would be pleased either. Cas apparently could see how anxious Dean was, because he put a reassuring hand on his thigh. He covered it with his own and smiled thankfully at Cas. “Sam’s just worried about you, Dean. I am too, but we’ll deal with that later, okay?”

Dean nodded. “Thanks, Cas,” he said, squeezing his hand. “Well, let’s go in,” he said, getting out of the car followed by Cas. As soon as he entered he was greeted with a slap to the head, which he definitely deserved.

“Hand over the keys, boy,” Bobby said, holding out his hand. “Hey Cas. Welcome back.”

Cas waved awkwardly as Dean started to protest. “Oh come on. I drove like fifteen minutes away and I didn’t kill anyone. Promise.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t kill yourself walking down the stairs, you idjit. Now give me your keys.”

“Fine,” he conceded, angrily putting his keys in the older man’s hand. “Anyway, I’d hate to ask for another favor, but can Cas stay here for a few nights? His dad and Michael are back and I just don’t want - I mean -”

“I think what Dean is trying to say that, it is probably best if I do not go home for a while. I don’t want to inconvenience you,” Cas cut in.

“That’s fine, Cas. Don’t worry about it.”

“Thank you.”

“Thanks,” Dean mumbled and pouring himself and Cas a cup of coffee.  

 


End file.
